I am left today thinking about the importance in our lives of surprise and delight. How so much of it comes from a heartfelt showing of love, without a need for reciprocation or even ownership. In the end, even the smallest gesture can create an opening, a moment of grace. And after, everything is different.

The psychiatrist Scott Peck wrote, "The paradox of life is that we are all trapped inside of a box, and the instructions on how to get out of the box are written on the outside of the box." Life can be a complicated process and figuring out a way through is often tough and confusing. Here then are a set of instructions for getting out of the box, based on Angeles Arrien’s research, and different religious models.

Rwanda feels more committed to forgiveness than they are to justice. The modern root of forgiveness means, "to give up the power to punish". Conversely justice is often so much about revenge. The Latin root of the word is justia, meaning “righteousness” or “vindication through assigning punishment.” Say, “I want justice”. Notice the energy of your statement and where your attention goes. Now say, “I want forgiveness.” Do they feel different?

In matters of substantial difference, don't question people's intentions, question their judgment. If your goal is to minimize the amount of polarization that exists in our culture, carefully watch your language. Questioning intention is often seen as an attack on integrity, and while you may feel passionately about your point of view, everyone feels that their intentions are good. No matter what.

A lot of my time in 2007 was engaged in managing a national dialogue on the death penalty. The goal was to create an agreed upon strategy, state-by-state and nation-wide, to abolish executions in the United States by 2025. Creating an “inevitability of consensus” in any environment is a complex undertaking. Here then are a few things I learned along the way.

Once I know someone’s story I usually either deeply respect or even love them. Who we are is largely created from where we have been. A woman who grates another because she doesn't follow his logical thinking is seen differently when she confides she has a brain injury. An elderly man who appears cold reveals he lost three lovers to cancer in six years, and breaks down sobbing over the injustice of life...

Getting someone to admit they have a behavioral problem is one of the most difficult of a manager's tasks. Many a night has been filled trying to figure out how to get the message through after a number of attempted and failed conversations. The following is an approach that has been very successful. The basic philosophy is to follow a protocol and ask questions. That is all. You do not threaten, lose your temper, apply pressure or preview consequences.

The 17th century philosopher Baruch Spinoza was once asked, “How do you figure out what has meaning?” He thought about it for a moment and responded, “That’s a big question…I’ll get back to you in a year.” After one year of considering this weighty question, Spinoza returned to the man and replied, "You can track purpose and meaning by asking the following three questions for thirty days." ...

I think there are two types of busy; a “busy” that comes from passion or one that comes from fear. When our time is filled with activities of passion, like a great date, time flies and we end our day excited and energized, no matter the pace. But when our time is spent in activities that at their root come from fear, it leaves us drained and weary.

Whether Jew, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu or Muslim, the tenants of love, forgiveness, compassion and divine connection are the same. This year, as you are wandering around the bottom of your spiritual mountain seeking to ascend, remember all others climbing. Take a minute to consider ultimately how fruitless it is argue how to dress and instead seek the similarities of all journeys.

Of all the things that bother me, the worst is that business has become known for the meaningless apology, hollow at best and manipulative at worst. I see it as nothing more than a pre-emptive strike. “Look”, I want to say. “When I am upset, I may not be a box of chocolates but I am not horribly, abusive either. I understand certain business realities. But when that fake apology comes my way, over and over, it does nothing but ignite my anger.”

During a significant organizational change bring your people together for one-on-one sessions in front of a video camera and ask them to tell you how they will talk about the change. Then sit back and watch. Is the language consistent? Are the same key words being used over and over? Is the phrasing not just aligned, but even identical? Because at the end of the day, words do matter.

I just spent the weekend with a remarkable group of leaders all looking at the question of how do we create lives of life-long learning and purpose? It was during this meeting that I heard the following comment. “I want to live my life”, one participant said, “driven by the following question; ‘What will I do to the last breath?’”

While we can’t say with certainty what will change one’s thinking we can say what won’t. Arguing the fine points of difference, theology or political view simply don’t work. If you really want change, then find a common ground interest that doesn’t require movement on the difference. I call this common interest the "third other." If successful there, who knows where it will take us.

Anisa Suceska, program manager in Bosnia for Women for Women International, an organization that empowers women in conflict and post-conflict countries, said it well. “We cannot change the facts” she stated. “We can only change our situation.” No matter what your situation, there is always an opening for beauty.

In twenty years of studying and teaching on the subject of change there is one fundamental thing I've learned. Change is not a natural state but the natural state. It is the way of the universe to be in constant motion. We are either in expansion or contraction, living or dying, in love or in fear, breathing in or breathing out ... but it is rarely one of stasis.

I was in Maryland last weekend talking about resiliency. Three times during the course of the afternoon, on a windless day when nothing was moving but a slight breeze and the conversation, a HUGE tree came crashing down in the nearby woods. Trees were literally coming down around us. In a lifetime of small miracles, this was a day to remember. Imagine. When was the last time you heard a tree fall? Now think about it happening three times within a few hours!

What seems true is that every organization will usually have one big fear (loss of control or identity) and that during any partnership discussions susceptibilities to that fear run high. It is easy to trigger an unseen landmine if you’re not careful, and so the bigger the stakes, the more impeccable the need for high level behavior.